Can someone please read my essay and give me criticism thankssss?

As soon as the air bag hit me, I could have sworn it was over.But it wasnt , in fact, it was just the beginning. My day started like any normal day would have. I woke up at 6, took a shower and had my clothes on by 6 30. 6 35 my breath was minty fresh, and by 6 40 I went down the stairs to the garage. This morning was special, I thought, the first day of my last semester of high school. It was time to continue to work hard, and work on what I defered in the last year. By 6 42 I was in my car. 7 minutes passed, and I was halfway to school. The light just turned green, and the green arrow to turn left flashed for me to execute my turn to Cooper Road. 3 seconds passed, and the air bag busted in my face. No this was definitely not happening. Panic filled my body. My body became tense, and my breath shortened. The off duty cop at the intersection guided me out of my car, and told me to sit on the curb and breathe slowly. My tears at that point were uncontrollable. An hour and an half passed, and the accident scene was cleared. 24 hours later, the whiplash took affect. The things I did on a normal basis were impossible to do: laugh and breathe. I felt helpless as a newborn baby, I couldn’t stop relapsing. The day came to an end, and I was recuperating. I thought this would be the final day that I would hear anything pertaining to the accident, but I was wrong. 48 hours later, the real trauma began. The police report came, and that’s when everything took a downward spiral. My parents went to the towing place to take the car back. My parents arrived 3 minutes before I came home. I did not get a hi from my father, only a receipt from the towing company. That’s when I broke down. My father said, '' you need to give me this money by tommorow, and I don’t care how you get it, just make sure I have it by tommorow''. That’s when it happened again, seating in the drivers seat. I thought being in the car was better than having to deal with the incessaant chatter that I was going to go through with my parents. I was not mad at the fact that I had to pay for the bill, but simply at the fact that it seemed as if my parents did not care. To be honest, I am happy that the car hit me that day. It showed me that change can only happen through learning. My parents did not change,maybe if I passed away, they would, but what’s important is that my behaviors changed. Many people would view getting into a car wreck as a tragedy, but I see it as a sign to achieve what I want. And going to Fordham is what I want to achieve out of my life right now.

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3 Responses to “Can someone please read my essay and give me criticism thankssss?”

  1. matricide says:

    I noticed you started with As…not a way to start a sentence.The story is good but it left me wondering what your main point is.I think you lose the reader, with all the time factors.How did the accident help you achieve your goal of going to Fordham? What is Fordham?Why the dig at your parents? How is that a real meat part of your story?In my opinion, your essay needs work but the story line is there to work with.

  2. dimerization says:

    Great Paper, you know you went through alot. I bet just writing this paper you feel a whole lot better. I find that when I write things down its kind of like self-therapy. I feel better just getting it down and out of my head. You know that maybe now that you’ve got it down, maybe if you reword some areas and add more emotion in others really get the effect down and the paper will come to life a bit more. You want the reader to feel what you went through.Thanks for sharing this traumatic event with me.

  3. sheveled says:

    Describe the car a little, before and after the accident. Say what you wished your parents had said to you. I was hit by a car, walking though. I got the feeling that it was not happening, not to me. It happened so fast, but I saw everything and still dream about it. And then I was screaming, someone told me, but I didn’t remember that. I was thinkng stuff, but I didn’ remember saying it aloud (apparently I did). What hurt me more than the broken collar bone was the people walking and driving by, driving around me just lying there. You could incorporate his